Wednesday morning I awoke to find a text from a world ranked Leader and Author, Orrin Woodward. He asked if I would be a guest on HBRN’s Leadership Factory. I am so honored to be considered for this interview. Here is the interview in it’s entirety.
Many people tell me they want to make a big difference in the world, but very few actually leave a legacy. There seems to be some sort of disconnect between wanting to change lives and a willingness to actually roll up your sleeves and jump in the muck and help somebody through it. What I mean is we have to care enough about someone to help them through struggles, by loving them unconditionally until they are ready to face truth and then when they are, lead them to it.
There are huge differences between writing an opinion online in a blog, being a motivational speaker and seeing somebody one time, coaching or therapizing someone by telling them what they are doing wrong and what they should be doing, versus actually caring enough to be somebody’s friend and to walk them through the steps over time to change their life for the better, on purpose. As well there are big differences between telling someone your opinion or a theory that you learned that you haven’t lived out in your own life successfully, coaching someone to do something you’ve seen work in others lives, maybe without being privy to all the details versus helping someone through something you have personally overcome.
The difference it would seem between wanting to be important and actually making a significant impact in someone’s life for the better is, intention. Are we doing it to feel good about ourselves or because we care more about them than we do about what we get out of it? Am I trying to be a “Big Shot” or serve them?
I’m always excited when someone wants to make a difference, when he or she wants to make a real impact. The confusion comes in understanding the dangers of coaching or mentoring someone when you don’t have a result in your own life that they can see as an example and not having developed the humility to get our own pride out of the way.
So how do we discern whether we should be someone’s encourager and sounding board or their counselor, offering truly correct advise?
1st – We must judge our own intentions!
Am I willing to be rejected while serving this person? Will I still be their friend if they don’t return friendship to me or listen to my advice? If they don’t change quickly enough will I become frustrated with them or give up on the process? Do I refer them to other people for counsel, encouragement and support? Am I reading, getting mentoring and trying to be better, so that I can serve them more effectively? Do I point out their gifts and abilities that exceed my own?
- Negative responses to any of these questions would tell me my intention (my heart) is not in the right place.
I’ve heard Orrin Woodward, world ranked leadership guru, say “if you don’t love someone, you can’t mentor them.” We cannot in good conscience counsel another if we don’t care about them and their future. This would be pretending we are God. It would be like experimenting on someone you don’t care about and if they died saying, “oh well, next.” And yet I’ve seen trained professionals do just that. We have to remember we are dealing with people’s live, relationships, livelihoods and futures. What we say to them can change everything. Will it be for the better or worse? Even well meaning is not enough.
2nd – We must ask ourselves what am I getting out of it and what do I have to offer?
Do I care about this person and their future? Do I hurt for them in what they are struggling with? Do I have results in the area that are working on? Do I have resources I can expose and refer them too? Can I give them grace for the things they have done to others or to me? Am I willing to learn, be wrong and apologize in this process.
- Negative answers to these questions would make me aware, I am not equipped to help them navigate through this struggle.
In DNA of Relationships, Gary Smalley talks about the difference between wanting to help someone and actually being their friend when they can’t return that same level of friendship. This is work, it’s many times messy and usually takes time.
3rd – Do I access a Mentor for outside perspective and insights?
If I’m not being mentored how can I really mentor someone else? I’ve heard best selling author Tim Marks say, “Judge a tree by the fruit it bears, not the fruit it talks about.” Meaning learn from someone with results. Without proven results to teach from it is easy to give advise without being able to give the correct thinking that goes with the actions. Everyone has opinions, that doesn’t make them correct. Learn to look for results in those you surround yourself with.
When I worked in the psych world I was amazed how many people confuse having a degree being licensed or even board-certified with competence. It doesn’t take a formal education to lead people, it takes a caring heart, a valuing of people, unconditional love and the courage to lead them to truth. Many people want to Learn, then teach, or just Teach what they think they know.
We Learn, then Do, then we can Teach!
There is no such thing as “efficient” in relationships. Care enough to pay the “Full Price” to have Great Relationships.
Invest Wisely – Chris Mattis
Orrin Woodward and Chris Brady’s Mental Fitness Challengeis the single best corporate style tool I have ever seen to build unity and increase productivity in a very short period of time. Predicated on creating life-long learning habits, it works through attacking 13 areas of our lives that fall under character, task, relationships and leadership. Starting with a self assessment test, it provides a “You are Here” starting point. From there accountability partners, 360 degree feedback and challenge partners (who you can invite to take it with you), can all be setup and accessed. Feedback from people you trust can reveal blind spots that you don’t realize may be controlling the results you are getting in life. My self assessment test looks like a smallish starfish, which means no new blind spots were revealed but there are lots of areas for improvement.
Once the study of the 1st module begins, reading, audio CDs and video emails from top leaders in their fields, highlighted by the #6 Orrin Woodward and #11 Chris Brady “Leadership Gurus” in the world, support the development of new thinking and new habits. Exposure to purposeful, consistent and incremental learning allows the “Law of Compounding” to be applied to anyone’s life. For many this is the first time that they choose to wage a “Media War” on the way that they think (as opposed to the normal “Brain Washing” the average American gets from media “Programing” and control campaigns that many huge corporations and government agencies push).
Going through the “Resolutions” it occurs to me that they no longer appear as acts of the will, but as stepping stones on the way to pursuing one’s purpose. As one of the newer Mental Fitness Challengers said, ”Resolutions are Get to’s not Have to’s.” Resolutions are tools to equip us to chase our God-given dreams, to shape us into who we can be.
What a gift this MFC is to organizations of any type, to families, communities and individuals. I’ve started asking people I know to review the “Ad CD” and point me in the right direction to who or what I should share this with. My favorite question to ask is from Jim Martin, a huge community builder and leader in Florida, “Have you heard of the Mental Fitness Challenge? It’s like P90X for the brain. I want you to take it with me. When can we meet?” Don’t keep life changing information a secret, share it with anyone you care about. What a difference new information and better thinking makes! Thank you Orrin and Chris.
Orrin Woodward and Chris Brady in Launching a Leadership Revolution say “Hunger provides the energy to begin, the stamina to persist, and the will to finish…,” In talking with my mentor, Tim Marks, I have heard him say, “The world doesn’t reward potential, if only he had desire, he could be one of the greats!” What makes a man step up and focus where others quit? Circumstance? Attitude? Upbringing? No. The desire to be more; to not be controlled by the world.
I believe all men (and women) are born with an innate drive to be free; I believe it is God-given. “For You were called to freedom brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another” (Galatians 5:13 ESV) The bestseller, The Millionaire Next Door, noted that the majority of new millionaires in the US are 1st or 2nd generation immigrants. What would drive a person to cross an ocean, learn a new language, learn a new culture, leave everything they know behind, start over from zero to work long hours, scrimp and save? Desire for a better life, for an opportunity, for hope!
Here is one of my favorite quotes of all time:
“Nothing in the world can take the place of Persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan ‘Press On’ has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.”
- Calvin Coolidge 30th president of United States of America
So how do we develop “Desire” / “Hunger”?
One key to recognize, as Lana Hamilton says, “We are powerless to change anything we tolerate.” We must become intolerant of our circumstances. What are the things that we put up with that we shouldn’t? What are the areas we “settle for?” Where are we merely mediocre when we should be exceptional?
After a decade and a half in the psychiatric nursing field I was shocked at what I tolerated, in retrospect. I was laid-off once, pay-cut twice, pay frozen for four years, received IOU’s, instead of checks, forced to work fur-low days, yearly cuts in benefits, huge losses in my retirement account and was injured 17 times. Why did I put up with that? Frankly, I hoped it would change.
No wonder I found it funny when I read this:
“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” – Albert Einstein
A second way to grow your hunger is to develop the discipline on dreaming. “You never get what you want out of life, you only get what you focus on!” That is one of my favorite truisms. So how do we create and have hope in the midst of challenging circumstances? Do we focus on problems or solutions? A dream must be bigger than who we are currently and big enough to make us want to grow. Tim Marks is famous for teaching this basic principal: “Define what you out of life, figure out the cost and pay the price!” “Define, Learn, Do” is a LIFE and TEAM basic tenant. So what does your “ideal” life look like? Who is it you’re supposed to be?
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” - Wayne Gretzky
It is crucial to decide where you want to go, what you want to accomplish, and most importantly, who you wish to become in the process! What could you do if you dedicated the next five years, the next ten years or the rest of your life to it??? Remember: You were born for a purpose and only you can do what only you can do. Don’t waste time not doing it, Do It Now!!!
- Chris Mattis
“Good Friends help You move, Great Friends help You move a body” – Anonymous. A ridiculous example of Friendship and Loyalty, but I does bring up a point. Namely “Friends” do not sit in judgment of or speak ill of each other and fiercely defend the character of the other. Why do friends defend each other? – They know each other’s hearts, their intentions and the purposes to which they are dedicated.
Grace and patiencs are other great attributes of Friendship. Seriously, are we someone’s friend if we take offense to them being busy, short or just plain living life? One of my “Best” Friends in the world, he and I have know each other since the “Play Pen”, have wondered in and out of each other lives for decades now. Yet each time we talk or do something, even if it’s been years, it was as if we saw each other yesterday. This is a guy I trust with my kids, house, cars, money and to give me honest feedback.
I have watched some of my Heroes, (Orrin Woodward, Chris Brady and Tim Marks) befriend those that judge them, use them and malign them. Yet they keep aiding them in the pursuit of their goals and loving them in their mistakes. This is so uncommon in our world.
A common confusion in our current media driven society is that an acquaintance (someone you are around or hang around) is a friend. Friendship has nothing to do with hanging out, sharing non-creating experiences, making “you’re not doing what I think you should be doing” judgments or thinking ”what can I get from you”. I hear a lot of “I want you to be my friend” whining in our world. “Serve me”, “take care of me”, “make me feel special”, guilt inducing actions and words followed by “but I’m not interested in serving you!” self-centeredness. When did popularity replace significance?
This reminds me of a situation that a very close friend of mine went through. One of his college buddies was giving him grief because his new family was getting in the way of “Guy Time” (Drinking & Hanging Out). Then the “frat brother” started to pick at him for starting a side business he didn’t believe in. Finally after attacking my soft hearted friend with critical emails asking, “what happened to my friend, my hang buddy?”, he shot back, “I have a family to take care of, debt to pay, a wife to provide for and a future to build! I grew up! I recommend you do the same!”
Two great measuring sticks of who is my friend (not who likes me): 1 – Who would pick you up at 3am two hours from home? 2 – Who encourages you and believes in you, regardless of whether or not they understand the dream you are chasing? A friend will either join you or encourage you in pursuing your God-given dreams!
Clearly by these definitions I have eliminated most people, even my family, from the “True Friend” list. This was epitomized in a conversation I had a few years ago with an older relative. It occurred at a family event where I was asked what I had been doing the last several years. I responded by giving the general details and the hoped-for outcome of my efforts. In response this family member began to verbally vomit warnings, fears and doubts on me. I placed my hand in front of his face and said, “STOP! We are only limited by our own thinking and I cannot afford to be limited by yours.” He pointed out that he had wisdom (none, of course in the areas in which I work). Then he tried to justify his actions by saying that he was playing “Devil’s advocate” (I have plenty of devils in my life and I don’t need to be related to one!). Then he sarcastically asked if he should be a “cheerleader”, to which I pointed out I could ALWAYS use another encourager!
We have to decide to BE someone’s friend. This would mean serving and ministering to them. I remember the day I chose to be Tim Marks’ friend. This was not required to get his counsel (acting on that counsel would be key), to have him help me through struggles (if I worked at fixing them) or being around him in business. I have seen Tim serve many people who don’t like him, take him for granted or even don’t respect him. I have watched Orrin and Chris do the same and even go so far as to create opportunities for such people to grow and be recognized. Yet people get upset when they can’t interrupt their lives at will. Or worse, they whine and make excuses because they didn’t want to grow up in an area, so it must someone else’s fault. Let’s blame “Mommy and Daddy” or the closest likeness. Orrin, Tim and Chris are Impressive examples of Friends.
Two-way friendships are a matter of Heart, not Time. Sadly most friendships are not two-way. this is not a big deal if, you believe that “it is better to Give than to Receive.” So we need to check our motives, serve without expectation of return, forgive false friends and thank God for the real ones.
I hope this finds You well – Chris Mattis
When I was younger I though everyone was my friend. In reality ,”hoped” would be a more accurate word. As I grew and wanted people to like me, I had many disillusionments around friendship. Many times thinking, if only I were a better friend others would treat me well.
It is strange to me now how blind I was to the differences between being liked and being trusted. As well as being someones friend vs being friends with someone. Why I say blind is that I was trained for and worked in psychiatric nursing, I was a follower of Christ and I had been studying leadership, all for many years and still I could not see the differences.
It wasn’t until I got around Orrin Woodward, Chris Brady and Tim Marks that I became aware of the principals and qualities that make up a “Friend”, “Friendship” and “Being a Friend” to others. I watched these men serve each other, stand by each other, hold each other accountable, give each other grace, and love each enough to give correction, not criticize, tear down or destroy. It was so evident of what true Leaders they are, and made me painfully aware the world was sorely lacking men that really Lead.
The more I was around these men and their amazing wives, through their writings “Launching a Leadership Revolution” Brady & Woodward (Best Seller form Time Warner), http://orrinwoodwardblog.com/ , http://chrisbrady.typepad.com/ , http://timmarks.com/blog/ and many other books and articles, through their CDs I listened to (now on a LIFE Subscription), watching them at Leadership seminars and online http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PvaCeoSM6Ew and finally getting to know and work with them, the more I became clear they were different. In reality “better” would be a more accurate word.
I believe today we are called to be a friend to others regardless of it being returned. Serving others in times of need, helping people back up, encouraging people to do and become their very best, seeing the best in them and pointing it out, holding their feet to the fire around actions, words and choices – these are just a few of the facets of real friendship. “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” – Proverbs 17:17 ESV, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.” – Proverbs 27:6 ESV.
If you find yourself taking care of others more than is returned to you, take heart and be glad YOU are a Friend. And if you find others asking for you to “be their Friend” rejoice but do not be fooled thinking they want to take care of you as well. And if you find yourself being cared for by another be Grateful for You have found a True Friend and You are Blessed indeed!
- Chris Mattis